Nun Jokes A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died. After several days of not being rescued, they agreed that they were not going to be rescued. They prayed a lot (of course), and they discussed their predicament in great depth. Finally the priest said to the nun, "You know, Sister, I am about to die, and there's always been one thing I've wanted here on earth -- to see a woman naked. Would you mind taking off your clothes so I can look at you?" The nun thought about his request for several seconds and then agreed to take off her clothes. As she was doing so, she remarked, "Well, Father, now that I think about it, I've never seen a man naked, either. Would you mind taking off your clothes, too?" With little hesitation, the priest also stripped. Suddenly the nun exclaimed, "Father! What is that little thing hanging between your legs?" The priest patiently answered, "That, my child, is a gift from God. If I put it in you, it creates a new life." "Well," responded the nun, "forget about me. Stick it in the camel!" ********************************************************************** Three nuns who had recently died where on their way to heaven. At the pearly gates they were met by St. Peter. Around the gates there was a collection of lights and bells. St. Peter stopped them and told them that they would each have to answer a question before they could enter through the pearly gates. St. Paul: "What were the names of the two people in the garden of Eden?" 1st nun: "Adam and Eve" The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. St. Paul: "What did Adam eat from the forbidden tree ?" 2nd nun: "An apple" The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates. And finally it came the turn of the last nun. St. Paul: "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam ?" After a few minutes thinking she says "Gosh, that's a hard one!" The lights flashed, the bells rang and in she went through the pearly gates! ********************************************************************** Sister Catherine is asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade what they want to be when they grow up. Little Sheila says: "When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!" Sister Catherine's eyes grow wide and she barks: "What the (****) did you say?" "A prostitute!" Sheila repeats. Sister Catherine breathes a sight of relief and says: "Thank God! I thought you said a Protestant" ********************************************************************** One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said "Wow what a goddamn fish!" The sister said "Sir you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun," and the man said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish". So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said "Mother superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught." The mother superior said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!" and the sister said "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish." So the mother superior said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she said "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught." The monsignor said "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!" and the mother superior said "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish." So the monsignor said "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it." That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said "Wow what a nice fish". And the sister said "I caught the goddamn fish." And mother superior said "I cleaned the goddamn fish." And the monsignor said "I cooked the goddamn fish." And the new priest said: "I like this fucking place already!" ********************************************************************** A nun is undressing for a bath and while she's standing naked there's a knock at the door. The nun calls: "Who is it?" A voice answers: "A blind man". The nun decides to get a thrill by having the blind man in the room while she's naked so she lets him in. The man walks in, looks straight at the nun and says: "Corrrrrrrrrrrr, and can I sell you a blind dearie...?" (actually, I don't get this one! - help me out!!) ********************************************************************** Did you hear the one about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to the convent? He knocked on the door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits. ********************************************************************** A nun gets on a bus and sits behind the driver. She says to the bus driver she is very ill and wants to experience sex before she dies. The bus driver agrees to accomodate her, but the nun explains that she can't have sex with anyone who is married as that would be a sin. The bus driver says No problem, he is not married. The nun says she also has to die a virgin, so she will have to take it in the ass. The bus driver agrees again. Being the only two on the bus, they go to the back of the bus and take care of business. When they were done, and he had resumed driving, he said "Sister, I have a confession to make. I am married and have three children". The nun replies: "Thats OK. I have a confession too: My name is Dave, and I am on my way to a costume party". ********************************************************************** A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 10 MILES. He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION 5 MILES and realizes that these signs are for real. When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks "What may we do for you, my son?" He answers "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business." "Very well, my son. Please follow me." He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man "Please knock on this door." He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit and holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway." He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY. ********************************************************************** This raggedy-assed old nun was walking home from the convent one day, when this man jumps out from the bushes and has his way. Then the man sayeth unto her saying, "What will you tell the Holy Father now, Sister?" She says, "I must tell the truth! I will say I was walking home from the convent when a man jumped out from the bushes and raped me twice, unless you're tired." ********************************************************************** It was Friday, and four nuns went to the priest at the local Catholic church to ask for the weekend off. They argued back and forth for a few minutes. Finally the priest agreed to let them leave the convent for the weekend. "However", he said, "as soon as you get back Monday morning I want you to confess to me what you did over the weekend." The four nuns agree, and run off. Monday comes, and the four nuns return. The first nun goes to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "What did you do, Sister?" She replies, "I watched an R-rated movie." The priest looks up at heaven for a few seconds, then replies, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The first nun leaves, and the fourth nun begins to chuckle quietly under her breath. The second nun then goes up to the preist and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest replies, "OK, what happened?" She says, "I was driving my brother's car down the street in front of his house, and I hit a neighbor's dog and killed it." The priest looks up to heaven for half a minute, then says, "You are forgiven. Go and drink the holy water." The second nun goes out. By this time, the fourth nun is laughing quite audibly. Then the third nun walks to the priest and says, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned." The priest asks, "Out with it. What did you do?" She says, "Last night, I ran naked up and down Main Street." The priest looks up at heaven for a full five minutes before responding, "God forgives you. Go and drink the holy water." She leaves. The fourth nun falls on the floor, laughing so hard tears run down her cheeks. The priest asks her, "OK. What did you do that was so bloody funny?" The fourth nun replies, "I peed in the holy water..." ********************************************************************** The nuns at the local convent had their daily annoucement session. The mother superior walked out in front of the 100 nuns with a very serious frown on her face. She began to speak... Mother Superior: There had been a sinful deed committed here, yesterday. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: Today I found a pair a men's underwear. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And I also found a condom. 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And it has been used! 99 nuns: Oh, no! 1 nun: Hee, hee, hee. Mother Superior: And there was a hole in it! 1 nun: Oh, No! 99 nuns: Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!..... ********************************************************************** Four nun's got in a car accident and died. Of course, they went up to heaven and St. Peter was waiting for them at the gate. "Ladies, please confess your sins so that you may pass through the gates," says St. Peter. Well, naturally, the first nun walks up and says," "St. Peter, I must confess I once saw a man's penis!" Don't worry, says St. Peter, go wash your eyes in that holy water and your sin will be forgiven. The second nun comes up and says, "I must confess I once touched a man's penis!" Ohhh, says St. Peter, that is truly a sin, but go and was your hands in the holy water and your sins will be forgiven... ....... meanwhile, in the backround the THIRD and FOURTH nuns are going at it, yelling and cursing at each other. "What is the problem, that you should make so much noise at the gates of heaven?" asks St. Peter. "Well," says the FOURTH nun, "there is NO WAY I am going to gargle with that holy water after HER ass has been in it!!!" ********************************************************************* This german tourist was on a bus tour of Castilla during the summer that had a stop at this old convent. The tour wasn't that interesting and he managed to stay behind and start wandering. Feeling the urge, he stopped to pee on the outside wall of the chapel. While he was doing his business, he was surprised by the Mother Superior. "OH! I am soo sorry!' "No," she replied. "Actually, I've never seen a man's...You know. Could I take a look?" The tourist was freaked out by a nun asking to see his works but it was kinda kinky in a way, so he figured, what the hell. The nun looked at it for a bit and as he was about to put it away she said, "You know, I always wanted to touch it. Would you mind...?" "This is really wierd, but sure." The tourist was getting really exited. Who could say that they had been tossed off by a nun? "Could you take it all out so that I can get a complete experience?" the nun requested. The tourist, sure that he was about to get laid, willingly took down his pants. The nun began fondleing his tesiticles and sudennly straightened, and said, "Don't (SQUEEZE) piss (SQUEEZE) on the (SQUEEZE) church (SQUEEZE) walls!!!!!!!!!!!(SQUEEZE).